The Difference Between Self Pity, Self Blame and Self Compassion: Insights from a Newcastle Therapist
- kristenfrasercouns
- Jan 6
- 4 min read
As a Newcastle Therapist and Accredited Mental Health Social Worker who specialises in talk therapy, I often see clients wrestling with how they relate to themselves, especially those who've been raised to value achievement, drive and pushing through adversity. For high achievers, self compassion can seem easy, wishy washy or even downright risky. There is a common belief that holding ourselves to high standards is the only way to excel, and that self compassion might undermine our motivation or sound suspiciously like self pity. But what if self pity and self criticism are simply two ends of a spectrum, with self compassion right in the middle? What if, in fact, self pity and self blame actually get in the way of living out your values and reaching your goals?
The Spectrum Explained: From Self Pity to Self Criticism
Let's break it down. Self pity can be described as too much empathy for ourselves but not enough self awareness. It's the space where we recognise our pain, but become so absorbed but it, that we lose sight of our ability to take action. On the other side, self criticism is all about intense self awareness without enough empathy. It's the harsh inner voice that tells us we're never good enough, driving us to push harder - sometimes to the point of exhaustion or inaction. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that effort equals results, and while hard work is important, relentless self criticism can destroy confidence, lead us to seek approval from others, and leave us feeling burnt out.
Self compassion, however, sits squarely in the middle. It's about understanding yourself, acknowledging your struggles and mistakes, without enabling unhelpful patterns. Self compassion offers a balanced approach: we see how we are contributing to our circumstances, but we don't buy into stories that rob us of our power and agency. It's not an excuse to give up or ignore your values. Instead, it is a way of responding to challenges with empathy and care, helping build resilience and motivation to change.
Why Self Compassion Matters
Many people fear that practising self compassion means lowering the bar or letting themselves off the hook. In reality, self compassion helps us recognise our suffering, validate our feelings, and gently encourage ourselves to move forwards. It's not about ignoring responsibility or pretending that everything is fine. Rather it is about responding to setbacks with kindness, the same kindness you would offer a friend who is having a rough period. This shift is crucial for self awareness and growth.
Self Pity: Getting Stuck in the Struggle
Self pity feels heavy and hopeless. It's when you become stuck in a story, overwhelmed by emotion and empathy for yourself, but without enough self awareness to break the cycle. This mindset can leave you feeling powerless, letting yourself off the hook and avoiding real change. If you find yourself stuck here, try asking:
How am I making myself powerless with these thoughts?
What would I need to believe about myself to feel more empowered?
How could I be kind to myself without denying my own agency?
Self Criticism: Turning Hardship Inwards
On the flip side, self criticism involves too much critical awareness, but not enough empathy. When you're overly self critical, it is hard to feel empowered. This kind of self awareness assumes the worst, sets unrealistic standards, and can use harshness or even abuse as a misguided way to motivated change. Instead of building confidence, it tears it down and can lead to a constant hustle for validation and approval from others, all in an attempt to soothe the pain of self criticism. If you notice this pattern, consider:
Are these thoughts I would want a friend or child to think about themselves?
How could I acknowledge my agency while also being kinder to myself and not try to take responsibility for things I can't control?
What would it sound like if I believed in my own worth and goodness even if I saw ways I am not being my best self here?
Practical Ways to identify the difference between Self Pity and Self Criticism and Cultivate Self Compassion by Newcastle Therapist, Kristen Fraser
Picking the difference between self pity and self compassion Newcastle Therapist Kristen knows is a skill that takes practice. As a local Newcastle Therapist, I often see clients struggling to find the middle ground, often oscillating between self criticism or self pity, and while this happens to all of us at times, it can be helpful to have some strategies for when we are feeling stuck.
Notice your self talk. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself, and try swapping criticism for gentle encouragement. Need ideas? This free Newcastle counselling printable on Compassionate Self Talk by Newcastle Therapist, might help.
Practice mindfulness. Take time to acknowledge your feelings without getting swept up in them. Newcastle therapist, Kristen specialises in emotional regulation skills using focused psychological strategies from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy.
Ask yourself questions. Being curious and asking yourself questions, like the abovementioned questions, can help find the balance on the spectrum between self pity and self criticism.
Final Thoughts on Self Compassion by Newcastle Therapist
Understanding the difference between self pity, self criticism and self compassion can be transformative. While it can be easy to fall into patterns at either end of the spectrum - whether you are prone to self criticism or self pity, or both, choosing self compassion is what helps you heal and grown. If you're finding it hard to make that shift or need help with practical emotional regulation, mindfulness, challenging self talk or other psychological strategies, reach out to local Newcastle Therapist Kristen and start a conversation.